It's all in the quotes.

I'm never the same person when I go to sleep as when I wake up. The world keeps getting bigger every morning. I wish the world would stop being to big. What's wrong with a little world for a little me? But it's the little things that make life big.

And when people ask me, "Why are you so weird?," I never know what to say. But then I realize why would I be like THIS when I can be like THIS! When it comes down to it, I'm not weird, I'm gifted at living.


But some days I don't feel so good... somebody, please, give me a hug. Sometimes when I say "I'm ok," I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight, and say "I know you're not." I know I shouldn't be afraid of death, I should be afraid of an unlived life. And I want to live alone, because the greatest love is ruined by the bickering, the argument of living, so I want to live alone. I could be happy on my own. But I think I'm afraid of being happy.

I have no special talents, I'm just passionately curious. I'm not the girl that thinks a guy is the answer, I'm just tired of being alone. Sometimes I think my brain has too many things in it and I try to get rid of the stuff I don't need anymore. Some of it just won't budge though. One advantage of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.

They say you know you're in love when your heart starts making more sense than your head. Why did I not see this before, the boy I adore was right in front of me. You're just jealous because we act retarded in public and people still love us. And in the end, I turned out liking you more than I originally planned. You've done it, and we who know you are not in the tiniest bit surprised. I have a tendency to fall in love with fictional characters, but not this time. More than anything, I want you to be thinking of me. You are my sunshine. And I'll tell you that if there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, and I'll stay there forever. If we ever do part, I'll remind myself not to worry about the world ending today because it's already tomorrow in Australia. If the world ends in 2012, I'll have spent my whole life in school for nothing.

I thank God every time I remember you, though sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me. When you want something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done, and yet, for a minute there, I lost myself. If you were waiting for the opportune moment, that was it.

I just want to sit in bed and snuggle and eat cereal and watch stupid movies with you all day long. Don't let the sweet face fool you, I'm a freak. Crazy I am. And you're crazy. I like crazy. So I just want to tell you I have my own stalkers, and, dear beautiful, don't ever forget how to be amazing. For that I say Merci Beaucoup.

They say don't judge a book by it's movie, so if Google didn't exist, we'd all be screwed, and life would be an epic fail. We keep waiting on the world to change, yet we know the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. I am the dream, and you are the dreamer, so hold your head high gorgeous. They will kill to see you fall. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you will join us and the world will live as one.

Sometimes it's hard to remember that you have been taught that there is something wrong with you, that you are imperfect, but there isn't and you're not. Yet we look for ourselves in everyone, and we feel like we are a fruit loop in a world of cherrios. We fear rejection, want attention, crave affection, and dream of perfection. But life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's learning to dance in the rain.

In the end, this... is a pen, and I use Avada Kedarva because Muggles can't prove it in court. And this is why I say eff Iraq, we need to catch Voldemort!

I thought today I'd write something clever here, then I thought, screw that. So Mario, you can thank me later for devoting my entire life to saving your girlfriend.


I am me. Love me.

My Duty is to Love. FOREVER.

Hey guys!!!

So I know I haven't posted in forever, but since my last post I have crawled through exams, packed for camp, and escaped life to Guelph Lake for 10 days. And naturally, I've kinda got over my last post since with escape from school meant escape from most drama.

My exams went alright, but feeling generally depressed through them, everything is kind of a fog. I remember not feeling confident in my physics exam in any way whatsoever, but feeling like I aced my math exam. I'm too lazy right now to go downstairs and get my final grade 11 report card, but I know I squeaked by in Physics with an 80% (I thought I would get a 60) and I managed to make honour roll with a completely unacceptable for me 87% average. I'm trying not to be hard on myself.

Then the next week was filled with planning and shopping and packing and preparing for Guiding Mosaic 2010. I got the journalism job I wanted, so I had to get in a day early. Which meant extra cramming, but after exams that's nothing new.

Camp started a little roughly with a general lack of organization and preparation. Which surprised me since it was a Girl Guide camp. Still, I rolled with the punches and layered on my unshakable patience. Being on the inside of the inner-workings of the camp this time though, it surprised me how many people had a serious lack of patience, respect, understanding, and flexibility. There were people who came to this ten day camp who had never camped before in their lives! And most of them came from outside the province or OUTSIDE THE COUNTRY! And then when the boat started sinking they immediately started to tear down the people who were holding them up and had tried valiantly to plan this camp for them. There were times I wanted to forget jumping into different programs (we didn't have schedules yet at this point) and just run around telling everyone they were doing a wonderful job or tell them to just hang in there. Relax. Have some patience people! You're in Guiding! You know things don't always work out as planned.

But through blistering heat and pouring rain, the weather at Guelph lake was all but natural. Thank you global warming. You think Mother Nature is just trying to piss us off now after that oil spill in the Gulf.  The girls from Jamaica even said it was hot. It was crazy. I could drink twelve bottles of water one right after the other and I wouldn't have to run to the portapotties (or Pottaloos as our English friends say) until the evening!

But we got through the days and soon things started to level out and everyone had a wonderful time! I learned in I Can Drive THIS Without a Licence about road signs in other countries (and here too of course), car maintenance, and how to drive a go-kart. This session was taught by the leader from England, so it was really cool. She had to explain to one of the English girls in the session to drive on the wrong side of the road because that's how we drove here in Canada. XD

The other session I really enjoyed was Digital Music. We got bussed out to the University of Guelph and they stuck us on a bunch of Macs with synthesizers and an awesome digital music program. Emily and I worked together to make an epic mash up of different loops and electric piano we played ourselves. The song started with Emily's rock and blues style piece with a piano part she played on the synthesizer. It then transitioned to my Jazz piece with horns and a little cymbal and vinyl scratching. We decided to tack on some movie themes at the end as finish with a Sci-fi-esque echo piano. It was epic. The title? SHABAMZUM! XD

There was another trip I took to the U of G that ended up being all Leaders and only four Rangers on the trip. But it was worth it because guess where we all ran to before catching the bus back? TIMMIES!!! Oh yes, the leaders were in coffee withdrawal.

All in all I had an epic ten days... I mean 11 days (can't forget the extra day I came early!). Shout out to all the amazing sisters from around the world... Chantal from Jamaica, Hazel from England, Emily from Wales, Maddie from Barrie, Georgia from Nova Scotia, The ENITRE Communications team (hugs to Jordyn, Alana, and Emily), the ENTIRE special events team, and my crew of Newfies who taught me how to properly pronounce Newfoundland, as well as teaching me some of the Newfie lingo. <3 to you all.

Remember everyone that this is not the last time we'll meet. We'll all see each other again someday, somehow, someway. And until then remember this: You are all my sisters in Guiding. You are my family no matter how far we part, I can always feel you here in my heart, and I will miss you most of all. So On my honour, I will try, to make just one difference, and change just one life, for the better, for my duty is to love. Forever.

Until next time,
Amanda Out.

*head desk*

Have you ever felt like you did something so incredibly stupid that any hope of fixing things was completely lost? That if there was even the slightest inkling of possibility, it was now thoroughly and completely snuffed out of existence? I'd be surprised if he even talks to me now... I'm such an idiot.

So you probably figured out by now, today was one of those above mentioned days. And the worst part is, I don't feel stupid, or embarrassed, or heartbroken. I feel GUILTY. Someone please explain to me how this makes sense. My conscious insists on incarceration without trial or proof.

*bangs head on screen* I seriously don't know how to deal. I'd just try vainly to patch things up again, maybe try not ignoring him completely if I wasn't scared out of my mind to talk to him. And it's not because he's a particularly scary person, I'm just a complete and utter coward. Who's afraid of liking somebody.

There I said it. I'm afraid of liking someone, alright? It makes me feel awkward, and not in control. I need to feel stable, solid, sure. And my world is usually like that, I think things through, prove to myself that the world and my life isn't going to collapse around me. Yet when I look at him, my breath catches in my throat and I feel like I'm drowning, my mind lurches and panics.

Now this whole entire issue would be solved if I would let myself think about him and think it through, prove to myself that saying hello once in a while won't create the end of the world. But thinking about him then makes me feel stereotypical, which, if you know anything about me, I shun as much as possible. I hate being stereotypical. I have to be odd. Quirky. NOT NORMAL.

So then I end up in this whole entire loophole of stupidity and stubbornness that fights to hide what I really think, and it just keeps going around and around...

Ugh! Is this how you normal people feel every day?! How the hell do you pull it off? Usually I can mask it, and force it down my throat until it dies screaming in stomach acid, but then I get bored, the wind whispers, and my mind ponders flights of fancy, feather-light wishes blown out onto the breeze... and then my mind starts thinking, maybe, just maybe, there's the slightest chance he thinks the same way and my heart is right, and it clings to it for all it's worth.

Then I do something incredibly stupid like this. I can't get your face out of my head, the way you looks after I screwed it all up. Again.

When it comes to things that might actually matter in the long run, how come I'm such an idiot?

What is our world coming to?

So, while I was away God knows where (seems I get out a lot more than I realize) my parents had ordered the new Sherlock Holmes on Pay-per-view and recorded it to our PVR for me to watch later, but neglected to tell me. Not being one to watch a particularly large amount of television, I rarely check the PVR to see what's been recorded. So imagine my surprise when my mother suggests we watch it when we can't find anything else but a re-run of Corner Gas on the television. Which makes me wonder, when we usually only watch TV more than normal on lazy Friday nights, why we have 1000 odd channels and there's nothing on when we choose to watch something outside the norm.

Anyways, you catch the drift that I just finished watching Sherlock Holmes, and I think it's appropriate now to throw in my five cents (apparently they're considering removing the penny again and we have to inflate costs) of a review. I found it a pretty good movie, stellar even by my standards. Not that my standards mean anything at all. From an unbiased perspective, it was pretty good. Paid the bills, you know, and kept us entertained and focussed for a couple hours.

But by my standards, it was quite something indeed. Not only did I find the rugged Mr. Holmes incredibly appealing, but he also kept up the incredible personality that keeps his character in my record book of idols. Not to mention the themes that ring true with everything that keeps my eyes glued to the page, err, or screen rather. Adventure, genius, action, dynamic characters... and even fantasy worthy black magic, proved wrong of course by simple science to accord with science fiction standards. I was a thing of beauty. And it was all mashed up together with just the right touch of comedy that kept you head over heels for Mr. Holmes.

Of course, now I find myself thinking slightly backwards, dazed from listening to old-ish English for the last two hours, and after watching Sherlock strut about the screen piecing together before my eyes a beautifully intricate and carefully laid death trap of a puzzle, I can't help but find myself thinking on a larger, more profound scale. Have you noticed? ;)

And thus I found myself puzzling over a little anomaly of my own as I washed the dishes, and without being able to get the image of Mr. Holmes out of my teenage brain, it is thus related to Sherlock Holmes. Yet I felt the need to reach back a few centuries (when was this wonderful piece of literature first published?) before my teenage years to the cover to cover print version of my idolized friend.

What I found myself puzzling over was the strangeness in society's need to connect ideal with symbols from culture and identity, and, as generations pass and change, how these symbols change.

Now you're probably going to ask me how the hell this relates to Sherlock Holmes, and if you figured it out, then top hat old friend. However, I'm going to assume most of you are like Watson, and would much prefer if I explained things to you before I run off gibbering.

I found myself matching Sherlock Holmes with detective. Which is what lead me to the above question. It's odd though isn't it? Especially in literature, when you start thinking of simple things, simple definitions and you can identify almost immediately with someone or something everyone else will likely recognize as well. It's the basis of the game Scategories.

When you think of detective, what immediately comes to mind is the silhouette of scruffy man in a large hat, smoking a pipe or holding a magnifying glass. The characteristic image of out good friend Sherlock Holmes. What comes to mind later, though perhaps just as quickly, is Agatha Christie novels, the FBI, or the police. And detective isn't the only word that immediately brings about the same picture in our heads.

The next word I thought of was romance, and the first thing that comes to mind is Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, quickly followed by (in my mind at least) a girlfriend/boyfriend or someone you have a crush on, and then a romantic dinner with candles and ambiance and silver dishes.

Then, on the run with popular literature, I thought of vampires and began to ponder upon how these images we immediately associate with certain words must be derived from culture, because they change as pop culture changes. I think anyone who's at least poked their head out from under their rock lately knows where I'm going with this.

The sad fact of our reality of late is that the first thing that comes to mind (in my generation at least), when the word vampires is uttered is Stephanie Meyer's novels, Twilight. Now if you are of any taste at all, your mind  will also quickly associate images such as Anne Rice novels (as much as I despised Interview with the Vampire) and Dracula. Other multitudes of decent novels can come to mind as well since our reading repertoire has been flooded with vampires as of late.

Vampires are a good example of how this connection changes. If you asked what was the first thing that came into our heads when we were told of vampires five years ago, the immediate reply would likely be Anne Rice or Dracula. Maybe even horror movies, or a confusion with zombies. You'd get a variety of answers.

Now though, a good 80% of answers to that question will probably be Twilight. Our culture has changed. Our minds have been warped into this image of vampires as gorgeous, sparkling, eco-friendly creatures we can befriend and even love. This in contrast to the true, original, vampire image of a cold blooded killer who was stuck for eternity with his lot as much as he loathed it. Of killing with wooden stakes, and garlic, and religion.

I'm sure of someone came out with a Nancy Drew of a Sherlock Holmes, our perception of Detective would change as well. And in league with the change in Vampires, it will probably be a pig-tailed little girl running around solving mysteries she really shouldn't be involved in for her own safety.

It leaves me thinking now, what the hell is our world coming to? It's dying, that's for sure, have you felt the temperature lately? But it seems what entraps our undivided attention are images of shallow, whiny, perfect characters who, in the end, always get what they want. And I hate to break it to you world, but in reality, the characters you seem to idolize would never survive, let alone save the world. In fact, I'd much rather read a novel where at least one or more of the characters is homosexual or bisexual, it adds a certain spice to the story. Let's get a novel into our hands with characters that empower instead of entrap. Then we can change the world. That's the power of words.

Little Big

The world can be,
A little big place.
And when I’m standing here,
I’m a little big person.

And when I’m standing here,
The rain soaks me,
The sun burns me,
The snow freezes me,
And the wind ages me,
But when I’m standing here,
I’m a little big person.

I see you standing,
Across the way,
And I feel like,
A big little person.

I love you.
Or maybe I don’t,
And I whisper,
Do you love me?

I could run across,
The hills of green,
Right to you,
You’re all I can see,
And you can tell me,
You love me too.

But maybe you don’t,
Maybe I’m a tiny little person,
Who you cannot see.

And when I’m standing here,
I’m a little big person,
And the world is,
A little big place.

I could climb that mountain,
Just over there,
And stand on the top,
Shouting to the heavens.

Or I could join that army,
Marching through the desert,
Cold and calculating,
Achieving.

Or I could just sit here,
Alone forever,
Lost forever,
Wondering forever,
How I fit,
In this little big world.

I wish I could see,
The mountains,
The deserts,
The lakes,
And the tundra.

They are important to the big picture.
They are important to the little big world.

But all I can see is you,
Standing across the way,
And when you make me feel,
Like a big little person,
All I want is you.

And I whisper,
Do you love me?

It echoes across the hills,
It ruffles the grass,
And the world feels like,
A backwards place,
A big little world,
While I listen.

Do you love me?
I hear the returning echo,
Yes.

And I could lie in the valley,
With you,
Forever,
Just holding your little big hand.

The future,
Isn’t so little bit scary,
When I’m not walking,
All by my little big self.

So long as I’m with you,
I can see the mountains,
The lakes,
The desert,
The tundra.

With you,
I can see,
The whole huge,
Little big,
World.

And I know it’s going to be ok.

In this little big world,
We can both stand here,
And be little big people,
Unafraid of our future,
And not alone in this,
Big,
Huge,
Future.

The world can be,
A little big place,
And when I’m standing here,
I’m a little big person.

Escape

I know it's been forever since I've posted, and I apologize. I really need to keep up with the things I start. I was going to post with Jennifer on Friday night before Rally Day, but our mothers were hogging the computer, so we read The Awakening instead.

Anyways I have a bazillion things to update you on... but where to start...

Turns out, what I really needed was a four day weekend, time away from it all. I can tell you now, it was short lived. It lasted all of Monday. It couldn't carry over into Tuesday. But we have Physics to thank for destroying that. But it's Friday now, and I can breath a little easier as the long weekend begins.

Well, I might as well start at the beginning. Thursday - Science Olympics at the University of Guelph.

Now, I love Science Olympics but Guelph's focus is Biology. Which, as most of you probably know by now, I hate with a passion. So I was kinda scared that my day would be ruined by the TWO biology events I was stuck in. Turns out, I just generally sucked at everything. We failed the Circuits event miserably. I was preparing for black boxes (literally black boxes with light bulbs in them, in which you twist on and off light bulbs to figure out the circuit and draw a diagram), only to be faced with Digital Circuits (what the hell?) and math to discover the resistance of resistors. Yeah it was a fail.

My next event was called Micro Biology. I was more or less useless in this, unable to label the sex organs of a plant, let alone able to recall Latin virus names upon looking at their pictures. I was good at writing with carbon paper though, and I helped with the logical-ness of narrowing down the diseases this hypothetical man had once the guys procured some ideas and symptoms. I found it rather amusing however, and I want to note that our hypothetical man decided that he was going to continue eating the food at his Aunt's picnic once he became pretty sure his Uncle cleaned the salad lettuce in pond water. The hypothetical man is an idiot, let's put it that way. I was kind of sad though when we had to scratch out E. Coli as one of the man's possible diseases, probably because I actually recognized it. :P Anyways, this was probably the best event of the day and as sad as it sounds, Ian's stick man drawing for the answer to the last question should have won us first place.

The last event was Green Thing Sleuthing. Which is more or less look at this plant and tell me what it is. And the resource book we were allowed was even more pointless because it went by genus name (more Latin) and required you to have some general idea what the plant was. Let's just put it this way. I mistook a dandelion for a thistle. I sucked major. But over-all it was an amazing day. And when it comes down to it, I got a free t-shirt, which is pretty epic. I still wish we could have built a Rube Goldberg machine for the Western Olympics though... The theme was Hitchhiker's Guide for crying out loud!

Anyways, Friday was UN... and me and Jenn's travels up to Toronto for Rally Day. UN was fun (I was Croatia) and I have to admit, it was much better than Physics class because it actually made me think, and realize some of the problems with our world. And when I say problems, I don't mean terrorism, or lack of food and water, or bullying. I mean how idiotic some countries are, and the reason why nothing ever gets done/happens. For those of you new to United Nations, it's a roleplay of an actual United Nations meeting, with each person representing a specific country, not their own personal views. One of the discussions in my group was the Water Crisis. We spent easily 5 hours discussing who should control the world's water, why developing countries have no water, how we can get them water... blah blah blah blah blah...

What we should have been discussing, as I tried to point out a few times was if we don't have WATER MANAGEMENT to ensure that we HAVE WATER that's actually sanitary enough to use, then no one can CONTROL the water, or get any water. Let's deal with the fact that my neighbour next to me, China, is dumping toxic waste into their main rivers. Then we'll make sure there's enough to go around.

Of course, you probs want to hear about Rally Day now. Well Friday was the hike up to the hotel since me and Jenn had to be at Ontario Place for 7 AM, and we didn't feel like driving at three in the morning. So we went up the night before. There's one thing somewhat eventful from the ride up that I want to document, and that was me and Jenn applying Myoflex to our sore joints in the back of the car half way there, then leaning up to our mothers in the front and saying, "You know your kids are falling apart when they're applying Myoflex in the backseat."

Anyways, it was up bright and early (5 AM) Saturday morning, and trucking it down to Ontario Place to get our stuff ready at the stations we were volunteering at. Jenn's was a game, I was at face painting. But let me tell you, it was so worth it. I don't know if you've ever been a part of something you're passioned about that's a lot bigger than it seems. Here in little Woodstock, we have a few Guiding units, one of each branch. The community is small, but makes a big impact. Well, on me anyways. Now imagine how it feels to be sitting in the pit at the very front of the Molson Amphitheater, thousands of your fellow Girl Guides cheering behind you. We all had blue pom poms and were cheering and screaming whenever we got the chance. This was the most amazing birthday party I've ever been to. This is just the start too. We're doing thousands of things for the 100th Anniversary of Guiding in Canada. This was just the big event. And it was INCREDIBLE! Sadly, because I was volunteering, I didn't get to go around to all the exhibits. But I was just happy to say that I had been a part of it, I had a role. I was there. The vibe just radiating from everyone made it a memorable day. Thank you Guiding for everything you've done for me, and happy 100th birthday!

Now, I couldn't write about Rally Day, and not show you a few pictures. So I've going to eat up some of my free Blogger "space" to post a couple.

Who me and Jenn shared front row center with. Hello Brownies!

The Camping Race with my new Ranger friend, Jeanette (sp?). We lost to my mother and Jenn's little sister.

I can't not post this picture.

So that was Rally Day! Hope you like the pics, I know they're not great. But it's something.

One more thing before I go... for all my Guiding Friends, check out Flat Brownie's blog for the 100th Anniversary in Britian. Here: http://tfbadventures.blogspot.com/

Flat Brownie and her Teddy friend are travelling random places around England. Neat, eh? Even if you're not in Guiding, check it out guys. Just, in Guiding spirit, keep any comments appropriate please. Thanks guys.

Anyways, got a lot going this weekend, including a trip up to the beach. Gotta get going!

Maybe a post from the beach? ;)

Have a great long weekend guys!

Sweet Dreams! May Nightmare spare you, and Ford Prefect never get a hold of your wallet. :)

Amanda Out.

Cruising on to Saturday

So I'm pretty proud of myself at the moment. I got my physics done in two hours. I went to math help (even though I didn't get much help). And I can cruse on through tomorrow into my Thursday and Friday off. (Thank you Science Olympics and UN)

PLUS! I'm starting to understand Optics in Physics. I think if might be my vague understanding of photography lenses is helping me with this. What Wunder did with the concave lens today, projecting that thing on the wall with it, was really kinda cool. I can't wait to get into lenses.

I even finished 1/3 of my Final Project in Photography today. Yes, that's right, that stupid Watercolour tutorial is DONE! Mr. Wilde even printed it before the end of the day too! I can't wait to see it tomorrow. The sad thing is though, I have two Oil Painting tutorials left to do. :(

I also haven't been able to get out and take my shots for Panorama day yet because of the rain. He wants us to go find a pretty field or something somewhere to take our shots, but I want to try a panorama of the grass on the ground in my backyard with my mum's garden in the background for depth. I think that would be kinda cool. And I get to use my new tripod too!

My sad note though is that I think I might have just squeaked by on the second half of my religion test today. I couldn't remember any of the holidays from Judaism. Hey!? What can I say? I'm an assimilated Catholic. What do I know of Judaism that's not the same as my religion?

Ah, but such is life at the moment. And things might be turning up for the better. I feel like radiating happiness at the moment and it's almost midnight. That's not normally the feeling at this point in my day. XD

So tomorrow is the last day I have to pull through this week, but it's a lot of handing things in and movie watching and review. So it should be an alright day.

Then Thursday is Science Olympics. Should be fun, and it usually is, but I'm in two Bio events, and I've never taken biology. I know NOTHING about it. There's LATIN on the practice page she gave us. I have no clue what I'm doing. But I'm also in a physics event too, circuits. So you know what I'll be doing tomorrow night. Endless circuit practice. I used to be pretty good at it in grade 9. Now it's just a matter of remembering.

Friday is a couple things. First is United Nations during the day at King's. Now I've never done this before, and I'm freaking Croatia. So I'll probably have some comments on that when I return on Friday. If I have access to a computer because Friday night, Jenn, me, and our respective female family members are trekking it out to Toronto and spending the night in a hotel for Rally Day the next day. I'm physicked. I'm SO excited.

Rally Day is the nation wide celebration of 100 Years of Guiding in Canada. Now, me and Jenn are volunteering, so we have to work, but I don't mind. A lot of the activities will probably not be targeted at girls our age. I'm doing face painting, which I've done a million times before, so it should be amazing. I'd rather make a difference in the other girls' experience anyways. I'm just happy to celebrate we've been around a hundred years or so, and do some singing. :)

Which reminds me, I should burn a GG song CD for us to sing to on the way up. It is a carload full of Girl Guides. XD

That's all for tonight guys.

Read on, Write on ladies and gentlemen.

Sweet Dreams! May Nightmare spare you and Ford Prefect never get a hold of your credit cards.

Amanda Out.