Have you ever felt like you did something so incredibly stupid that any hope of fixing things was completely lost? That if there was even the slightest inkling of possibility, it was now thoroughly and completely snuffed out of existence? I'd be surprised if he even talks to me now... I'm such an idiot.
So you probably figured out by now, today was one of those above mentioned days. And the worst part is, I don't feel stupid, or embarrassed, or heartbroken. I feel GUILTY. Someone please explain to me how this makes sense. My conscious insists on incarceration without trial or proof.
*bangs head on screen* I seriously don't know how to deal. I'd just try vainly to patch things up again, maybe try not ignoring him completely if I wasn't scared out of my mind to talk to him. And it's not because he's a particularly scary person, I'm just a complete and utter coward. Who's afraid of liking somebody.
There I said it. I'm afraid of liking someone, alright? It makes me feel awkward, and not in control. I need to feel stable, solid, sure. And my world is usually like that, I think things through, prove to myself that the world and my life isn't going to collapse around me. Yet when I look at him, my breath catches in my throat and I feel like I'm drowning, my mind lurches and panics.
Now this whole entire issue would be solved if I would let myself think about him and think it through, prove to myself that saying hello once in a while won't create the end of the world. But thinking about him then makes me feel stereotypical, which, if you know anything about me, I shun as much as possible. I hate being stereotypical. I have to be odd. Quirky. NOT NORMAL.
So then I end up in this whole entire loophole of stupidity and stubbornness that fights to hide what I really think, and it just keeps going around and around...
Ugh! Is this how you normal people feel every day?! How the hell do you pull it off? Usually I can mask it, and force it down my throat until it dies screaming in stomach acid, but then I get bored, the wind whispers, and my mind ponders flights of fancy, feather-light wishes blown out onto the breeze... and then my mind starts thinking, maybe, just maybe, there's the slightest chance he thinks the same way and my heart is right, and it clings to it for all it's worth.
Then I do something incredibly stupid like this. I can't get your face out of my head, the way you looks after I screwed it all up. Again.
When it comes to things that might actually matter in the long run, how come I'm such an idiot?
