So, while I was away God knows where (seems I get out a lot more than I realize) my parents had ordered the new Sherlock Holmes on Pay-per-view and recorded it to our PVR for me to watch later, but neglected to tell me. Not being one to watch a particularly large amount of television, I rarely check the PVR to see what's been recorded. So imagine my surprise when my mother suggests we watch it when we can't find anything else but a re-run of Corner Gas on the television. Which makes me wonder, when we usually only watch TV more than normal on lazy Friday nights, why we have 1000 odd channels and there's nothing on when we choose to watch something outside the norm.
Anyways, you catch the drift that I just finished watching Sherlock Holmes, and I think it's appropriate now to throw in my five cents (apparently they're considering removing the penny again and we have to inflate costs) of a review. I found it a pretty good movie, stellar even by my standards. Not that my standards mean anything at all. From an unbiased perspective, it was pretty good. Paid the bills, you know, and kept us entertained and focussed for a couple hours.
But by my standards, it was quite something indeed. Not only did I find the rugged Mr. Holmes incredibly appealing, but he also kept up the incredible personality that keeps his character in my record book of idols. Not to mention the themes that ring true with everything that keeps my eyes glued to the page, err, or screen rather. Adventure, genius, action, dynamic characters... and even fantasy worthy black magic, proved wrong of course by simple science to accord with science fiction standards. I was a thing of beauty. And it was all mashed up together with just the right touch of comedy that kept you head over heels for Mr. Holmes.
Of course, now I find myself thinking slightly backwards, dazed from listening to old-ish English for the last two hours, and after watching Sherlock strut about the screen piecing together before my eyes a beautifully intricate and carefully laid death trap of a puzzle, I can't help but find myself thinking on a larger, more profound scale. Have you noticed? ;)
And thus I found myself puzzling over a little anomaly of my own as I washed the dishes, and without being able to get the image of Mr. Holmes out of my teenage brain, it is thus related to Sherlock Holmes. Yet I felt the need to reach back a few centuries (when was this wonderful piece of literature first published?) before my teenage years to the cover to cover print version of my idolized friend.
What I found myself puzzling over was the strangeness in society's need to connect ideal with symbols from culture and identity, and, as generations pass and change, how these symbols change.
Now you're probably going to ask me how the hell this relates to Sherlock Holmes, and if you figured it out, then top hat old friend. However, I'm going to assume most of you are like Watson, and would much prefer if I explained things to you before I run off gibbering.
I found myself matching Sherlock Holmes with detective. Which is what lead me to the above question. It's odd though isn't it? Especially in literature, when you start thinking of simple things, simple definitions and you can identify almost immediately with someone or something everyone else will likely recognize as well. It's the basis of the game Scategories.
When you think of detective, what immediately comes to mind is the silhouette of scruffy man in a large hat, smoking a pipe or holding a magnifying glass. The characteristic image of out good friend Sherlock Holmes. What comes to mind later, though perhaps just as quickly, is Agatha Christie novels, the FBI, or the police. And detective isn't the only word that immediately brings about the same picture in our heads.
The next word I thought of was romance, and the first thing that comes to mind is Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, quickly followed by (in my mind at least) a girlfriend/boyfriend or someone you have a crush on, and then a romantic dinner with candles and ambiance and silver dishes.
Then, on the run with popular literature, I thought of vampires and began to ponder upon how these images we immediately associate with certain words must be derived from culture, because they change as pop culture changes. I think anyone who's at least poked their head out from under their rock lately knows where I'm going with this.
The sad fact of our reality of late is that the first thing that comes to mind (in my generation at least), when the word vampires is uttered is Stephanie Meyer's novels, Twilight. Now if you are of any taste at all, your mind will also quickly associate images such as Anne Rice novels (as much as I despised Interview with the Vampire) and Dracula. Other multitudes of decent novels can come to mind as well since our reading repertoire has been flooded with vampires as of late.
Vampires are a good example of how this connection changes. If you asked what was the first thing that came into our heads when we were told of vampires five years ago, the immediate reply would likely be Anne Rice or Dracula. Maybe even horror movies, or a confusion with zombies. You'd get a variety of answers.
Now though, a good 80% of answers to that question will probably be Twilight. Our culture has changed. Our minds have been warped into this image of vampires as gorgeous, sparkling, eco-friendly creatures we can befriend and even love. This in contrast to the true, original, vampire image of a cold blooded killer who was stuck for eternity with his lot as much as he loathed it. Of killing with wooden stakes, and garlic, and religion.
I'm sure of someone came out with a Nancy Drew of a Sherlock Holmes, our perception of Detective would change as well. And in league with the change in Vampires, it will probably be a pig-tailed little girl running around solving mysteries she really shouldn't be involved in for her own safety.
It leaves me thinking now, what the hell is our world coming to? It's dying, that's for sure, have you felt the temperature lately? But it seems what entraps our undivided attention are images of shallow, whiny, perfect characters who, in the end, always get what they want. And I hate to break it to you world, but in reality, the characters you seem to idolize would never survive, let alone save the world. In fact, I'd much rather read a novel where at least one or more of the characters is homosexual or bisexual, it adds a certain spice to the story. Let's get a novel into our hands with characters that empower instead of entrap. Then we can change the world. That's the power of words.
May 28, 2010
May 24, 2010
Little Big
The world can be,
A little big place.
And when I’m standing here,
I’m a little big person.
And when I’m standing here,
The rain soaks me,
The sun burns me,
The snow freezes me,
And the wind ages me,
But when I’m standing here,
I’m a little big person.
I see you standing,
Across the way,
And I feel like,
A big little person.
I love you.
Or maybe I don’t,
And I whisper,
Do you love me?
I could run across,
The hills of green,
Right to you,
You’re all I can see,
And you can tell me,
You love me too.
But maybe you don’t,
Maybe I’m a tiny little person,
Who you cannot see.
And when I’m standing here,
I’m a little big person,
And the world is,
A little big place.
I could climb that mountain,
Just over there,
And stand on the top,
Shouting to the heavens.
Or I could join that army,
Marching through the desert,
Cold and calculating,
Achieving.
Or I could just sit here,
Alone forever,
Lost forever,
Wondering forever,
How I fit,
In this little big world.
I wish I could see,
The mountains,
The deserts,
The lakes,
And the tundra.
They are important to the big picture.
They are important to the little big world.
But all I can see is you,
Standing across the way,
And when you make me feel,
Like a big little person,
All I want is you.
And I whisper,
Do you love me?
It echoes across the hills,
It ruffles the grass,
And the world feels like,
A backwards place,
A big little world,
While I listen.
Do you love me?
I hear the returning echo,
Yes.
And I could lie in the valley,
With you,
Forever,
Just holding your little big hand.
The future,
Isn’t so little bit scary,
When I’m not walking,
All by my little big self.
So long as I’m with you,
I can see the mountains,
The lakes,
The desert,
The tundra.
With you,
I can see,
The whole huge,
Little big,
World.
And I know it’s going to be ok.
In this little big world,
We can both stand here,
And be little big people,
Unafraid of our future,
And not alone in this,
Big,
Huge,
Future.
The world can be,
A little big place,
And when I’m standing here,
I’m a little big person.
A little big place.
And when I’m standing here,
I’m a little big person.
And when I’m standing here,
The rain soaks me,
The sun burns me,
The snow freezes me,
And the wind ages me,
But when I’m standing here,
I’m a little big person.
I see you standing,
Across the way,
And I feel like,
A big little person.
I love you.
Or maybe I don’t,
And I whisper,
Do you love me?
I could run across,
The hills of green,
Right to you,
You’re all I can see,
And you can tell me,
You love me too.
But maybe you don’t,
Maybe I’m a tiny little person,
Who you cannot see.
And when I’m standing here,
I’m a little big person,
And the world is,
A little big place.
I could climb that mountain,
Just over there,
And stand on the top,
Shouting to the heavens.
Or I could join that army,
Marching through the desert,
Cold and calculating,
Achieving.
Or I could just sit here,
Alone forever,
Lost forever,
Wondering forever,
How I fit,
In this little big world.
I wish I could see,
The mountains,
The deserts,
The lakes,
And the tundra.
They are important to the big picture.
They are important to the little big world.
But all I can see is you,
Standing across the way,
And when you make me feel,
Like a big little person,
All I want is you.
And I whisper,
Do you love me?
It echoes across the hills,
It ruffles the grass,
And the world feels like,
A backwards place,
A big little world,
While I listen.
Do you love me?
I hear the returning echo,
Yes.
And I could lie in the valley,
With you,
Forever,
Just holding your little big hand.
The future,
Isn’t so little bit scary,
When I’m not walking,
All by my little big self.
So long as I’m with you,
I can see the mountains,
The lakes,
The desert,
The tundra.
With you,
I can see,
The whole huge,
Little big,
World.
And I know it’s going to be ok.
In this little big world,
We can both stand here,
And be little big people,
Unafraid of our future,
And not alone in this,
Big,
Huge,
Future.
The world can be,
A little big place,
And when I’m standing here,
I’m a little big person.
May 21, 2010
Escape
I know it's been forever since I've posted, and I apologize. I really need to keep up with the things I start. I was going to post with Jennifer on Friday night before Rally Day, but our mothers were hogging the computer, so we read The Awakening instead.
Anyways I have a bazillion things to update you on... but where to start...
Turns out, what I really needed was a four day weekend, time away from it all. I can tell you now, it was short lived. It lasted all of Monday. It couldn't carry over into Tuesday. But we have Physics to thank for destroying that. But it's Friday now, and I can breath a little easier as the long weekend begins.
Well, I might as well start at the beginning. Thursday - Science Olympics at the University of Guelph.
Now, I love Science Olympics but Guelph's focus is Biology. Which, as most of you probably know by now, I hate with a passion. So I was kinda scared that my day would be ruined by the TWO biology events I was stuck in. Turns out, I just generally sucked at everything. We failed the Circuits event miserably. I was preparing for black boxes (literally black boxes with light bulbs in them, in which you twist on and off light bulbs to figure out the circuit and draw a diagram), only to be faced with Digital Circuits (what the hell?) and math to discover the resistance of resistors. Yeah it was a fail.
My next event was called Micro Biology. I was more or less useless in this, unable to label the sex organs of a plant, let alone able to recall Latin virus names upon looking at their pictures. I was good at writing with carbon paper though, and I helped with the logical-ness of narrowing down the diseases this hypothetical man had once the guys procured some ideas and symptoms. I found it rather amusing however, and I want to note that our hypothetical man decided that he was going to continue eating the food at his Aunt's picnic once he became pretty sure his Uncle cleaned the salad lettuce in pond water. The hypothetical man is an idiot, let's put it that way. I was kind of sad though when we had to scratch out E. Coli as one of the man's possible diseases, probably because I actually recognized it. :P Anyways, this was probably the best event of the day and as sad as it sounds, Ian's stick man drawing for the answer to the last question should have won us first place.
The last event was Green Thing Sleuthing. Which is more or less look at this plant and tell me what it is. And the resource book we were allowed was even more pointless because it went by genus name (more Latin) and required you to have some general idea what the plant was. Let's just put it this way. I mistook a dandelion for a thistle. I sucked major. But over-all it was an amazing day. And when it comes down to it, I got a free t-shirt, which is pretty epic. I still wish we could have built a Rube Goldberg machine for the Western Olympics though... The theme was Hitchhiker's Guide for crying out loud!
Anyways, Friday was UN... and me and Jenn's travels up to Toronto for Rally Day. UN was fun (I was Croatia) and I have to admit, it was much better than Physics class because it actually made me think, and realize some of the problems with our world. And when I say problems, I don't mean terrorism, or lack of food and water, or bullying. I mean how idiotic some countries are, and the reason why nothing ever gets done/happens. For those of you new to United Nations, it's a roleplay of an actual United Nations meeting, with each person representing a specific country, not their own personal views. One of the discussions in my group was the Water Crisis. We spent easily 5 hours discussing who should control the world's water, why developing countries have no water, how we can get them water... blah blah blah blah blah...
What we should have been discussing, as I tried to point out a few times was if we don't have WATER MANAGEMENT to ensure that we HAVE WATER that's actually sanitary enough to use, then no one can CONTROL the water, or get any water. Let's deal with the fact that my neighbour next to me, China, is dumping toxic waste into their main rivers. Then we'll make sure there's enough to go around.
Of course, you probs want to hear about Rally Day now. Well Friday was the hike up to the hotel since me and Jenn had to be at Ontario Place for 7 AM, and we didn't feel like driving at three in the morning. So we went up the night before. There's one thing somewhat eventful from the ride up that I want to document, and that was me and Jenn applying Myoflex to our sore joints in the back of the car half way there, then leaning up to our mothers in the front and saying, "You know your kids are falling apart when they're applying Myoflex in the backseat."
Anyways, it was up bright and early (5 AM) Saturday morning, and trucking it down to Ontario Place to get our stuff ready at the stations we were volunteering at. Jenn's was a game, I was at face painting. But let me tell you, it was so worth it. I don't know if you've ever been a part of something you're passioned about that's a lot bigger than it seems. Here in little Woodstock, we have a few Guiding units, one of each branch. The community is small, but makes a big impact. Well, on me anyways. Now imagine how it feels to be sitting in the pit at the very front of the Molson Amphitheater, thousands of your fellow Girl Guides cheering behind you. We all had blue pom poms and were cheering and screaming whenever we got the chance. This was the most amazing birthday party I've ever been to. This is just the start too. We're doing thousands of things for the 100th Anniversary of Guiding in Canada. This was just the big event. And it was INCREDIBLE! Sadly, because I was volunteering, I didn't get to go around to all the exhibits. But I was just happy to say that I had been a part of it, I had a role. I was there. The vibe just radiating from everyone made it a memorable day. Thank you Guiding for everything you've done for me, and happy 100th birthday!
Now, I couldn't write about Rally Day, and not show you a few pictures. So I've going to eat up some of my free Blogger "space" to post a couple.
Anyways I have a bazillion things to update you on... but where to start...
Turns out, what I really needed was a four day weekend, time away from it all. I can tell you now, it was short lived. It lasted all of Monday. It couldn't carry over into Tuesday. But we have Physics to thank for destroying that. But it's Friday now, and I can breath a little easier as the long weekend begins.
Well, I might as well start at the beginning. Thursday - Science Olympics at the University of Guelph.
Now, I love Science Olympics but Guelph's focus is Biology. Which, as most of you probably know by now, I hate with a passion. So I was kinda scared that my day would be ruined by the TWO biology events I was stuck in. Turns out, I just generally sucked at everything. We failed the Circuits event miserably. I was preparing for black boxes (literally black boxes with light bulbs in them, in which you twist on and off light bulbs to figure out the circuit and draw a diagram), only to be faced with Digital Circuits (what the hell?) and math to discover the resistance of resistors. Yeah it was a fail.
My next event was called Micro Biology. I was more or less useless in this, unable to label the sex organs of a plant, let alone able to recall Latin virus names upon looking at their pictures. I was good at writing with carbon paper though, and I helped with the logical-ness of narrowing down the diseases this hypothetical man had once the guys procured some ideas and symptoms. I found it rather amusing however, and I want to note that our hypothetical man decided that he was going to continue eating the food at his Aunt's picnic once he became pretty sure his Uncle cleaned the salad lettuce in pond water. The hypothetical man is an idiot, let's put it that way. I was kind of sad though when we had to scratch out E. Coli as one of the man's possible diseases, probably because I actually recognized it. :P Anyways, this was probably the best event of the day and as sad as it sounds, Ian's stick man drawing for the answer to the last question should have won us first place.
The last event was Green Thing Sleuthing. Which is more or less look at this plant and tell me what it is. And the resource book we were allowed was even more pointless because it went by genus name (more Latin) and required you to have some general idea what the plant was. Let's just put it this way. I mistook a dandelion for a thistle. I sucked major. But over-all it was an amazing day. And when it comes down to it, I got a free t-shirt, which is pretty epic. I still wish we could have built a Rube Goldberg machine for the Western Olympics though... The theme was Hitchhiker's Guide for crying out loud!
Anyways, Friday was UN... and me and Jenn's travels up to Toronto for Rally Day. UN was fun (I was Croatia) and I have to admit, it was much better than Physics class because it actually made me think, and realize some of the problems with our world. And when I say problems, I don't mean terrorism, or lack of food and water, or bullying. I mean how idiotic some countries are, and the reason why nothing ever gets done/happens. For those of you new to United Nations, it's a roleplay of an actual United Nations meeting, with each person representing a specific country, not their own personal views. One of the discussions in my group was the Water Crisis. We spent easily 5 hours discussing who should control the world's water, why developing countries have no water, how we can get them water... blah blah blah blah blah...
What we should have been discussing, as I tried to point out a few times was if we don't have WATER MANAGEMENT to ensure that we HAVE WATER that's actually sanitary enough to use, then no one can CONTROL the water, or get any water. Let's deal with the fact that my neighbour next to me, China, is dumping toxic waste into their main rivers. Then we'll make sure there's enough to go around.
Of course, you probs want to hear about Rally Day now. Well Friday was the hike up to the hotel since me and Jenn had to be at Ontario Place for 7 AM, and we didn't feel like driving at three in the morning. So we went up the night before. There's one thing somewhat eventful from the ride up that I want to document, and that was me and Jenn applying Myoflex to our sore joints in the back of the car half way there, then leaning up to our mothers in the front and saying, "You know your kids are falling apart when they're applying Myoflex in the backseat."
Anyways, it was up bright and early (5 AM) Saturday morning, and trucking it down to Ontario Place to get our stuff ready at the stations we were volunteering at. Jenn's was a game, I was at face painting. But let me tell you, it was so worth it. I don't know if you've ever been a part of something you're passioned about that's a lot bigger than it seems. Here in little Woodstock, we have a few Guiding units, one of each branch. The community is small, but makes a big impact. Well, on me anyways. Now imagine how it feels to be sitting in the pit at the very front of the Molson Amphitheater, thousands of your fellow Girl Guides cheering behind you. We all had blue pom poms and were cheering and screaming whenever we got the chance. This was the most amazing birthday party I've ever been to. This is just the start too. We're doing thousands of things for the 100th Anniversary of Guiding in Canada. This was just the big event. And it was INCREDIBLE! Sadly, because I was volunteering, I didn't get to go around to all the exhibits. But I was just happy to say that I had been a part of it, I had a role. I was there. The vibe just radiating from everyone made it a memorable day. Thank you Guiding for everything you've done for me, and happy 100th birthday!
Now, I couldn't write about Rally Day, and not show you a few pictures. So I've going to eat up some of my free Blogger "space" to post a couple.
Who me and Jenn shared front row center with. Hello Brownies!
The Camping Race with my new Ranger friend, Jeanette (sp?). We lost to my mother and Jenn's little sister.
I can't not post this picture.
So that was Rally Day! Hope you like the pics, I know they're not great. But it's something.
One more thing before I go... for all my Guiding Friends, check out Flat Brownie's blog for the 100th Anniversary in Britian. Here: http://tfbadventures.blogspot.com/
Flat Brownie and her Teddy friend are travelling random places around England. Neat, eh? Even if you're not in Guiding, check it out guys. Just, in Guiding spirit, keep any comments appropriate please. Thanks guys.
Anyways, got a lot going this weekend, including a trip up to the beach. Gotta get going!
Maybe a post from the beach? ;)
Have a great long weekend guys!
Sweet Dreams! May Nightmare spare you, and Ford Prefect never get a hold of your wallet. :)
Amanda Out.
May 11, 2010
Cruising on to Saturday
So I'm pretty proud of myself at the moment. I got my physics done in two hours. I went to math help (even though I didn't get much help). And I can cruse on through tomorrow into my Thursday and Friday off. (Thank you Science Olympics and UN)
PLUS! I'm starting to understand Optics in Physics. I think if might be my vague understanding of photography lenses is helping me with this. What Wunder did with the concave lens today, projecting that thing on the wall with it, was really kinda cool. I can't wait to get into lenses.
I even finished 1/3 of my Final Project in Photography today. Yes, that's right, that stupid Watercolour tutorial is DONE! Mr. Wilde even printed it before the end of the day too! I can't wait to see it tomorrow. The sad thing is though, I have two Oil Painting tutorials left to do. :(
I also haven't been able to get out and take my shots for Panorama day yet because of the rain. He wants us to go find a pretty field or something somewhere to take our shots, but I want to try a panorama of the grass on the ground in my backyard with my mum's garden in the background for depth. I think that would be kinda cool. And I get to use my new tripod too!
My sad note though is that I think I might have just squeaked by on the second half of my religion test today. I couldn't remember any of the holidays from Judaism. Hey!? What can I say? I'm an assimilated Catholic. What do I know of Judaism that's not the same as my religion?
Ah, but such is life at the moment. And things might be turning up for the better. I feel like radiating happiness at the moment and it's almost midnight. That's not normally the feeling at this point in my day. XD
So tomorrow is the last day I have to pull through this week, but it's a lot of handing things in and movie watching and review. So it should be an alright day.
Then Thursday is Science Olympics. Should be fun, and it usually is, but I'm in two Bio events, and I've never taken biology. I know NOTHING about it. There's LATIN on the practice page she gave us. I have no clue what I'm doing. But I'm also in a physics event too, circuits. So you know what I'll be doing tomorrow night. Endless circuit practice. I used to be pretty good at it in grade 9. Now it's just a matter of remembering.
Friday is a couple things. First is United Nations during the day at King's. Now I've never done this before, and I'm freaking Croatia. So I'll probably have some comments on that when I return on Friday. If I have access to a computer because Friday night, Jenn, me, and our respective female family members are trekking it out to Toronto and spending the night in a hotel for Rally Day the next day. I'm physicked. I'm SO excited.
Rally Day is the nation wide celebration of 100 Years of Guiding in Canada. Now, me and Jenn are volunteering, so we have to work, but I don't mind. A lot of the activities will probably not be targeted at girls our age. I'm doing face painting, which I've done a million times before, so it should be amazing. I'd rather make a difference in the other girls' experience anyways. I'm just happy to celebrate we've been around a hundred years or so, and do some singing. :)
Which reminds me, I should burn a GG song CD for us to sing to on the way up. It is a carload full of Girl Guides. XD
That's all for tonight guys.
Read on, Write on ladies and gentlemen.
Sweet Dreams! May Nightmare spare you and Ford Prefect never get a hold of your credit cards.
Amanda Out.
May 8, 2010
INSANITY
So what have I done today... Well effectively nothing. I mean I did stuff, I lived and breathed and created and thought and discovered and felt, but I did nothing constructive. I have a two page list of things I had to do today and I did about 4. I watched Doctor Who with my mother, half finished the strap for my new tripod (which I'm making out of duct tape by the way), took out the recycling, and entered contests on Polyvore. None of which is in any way constructive at all. I didn't look at my math or my physics, both of which require EXTRA review because my brain has just been so freaking thick lately. All I want to do is sit and read and write and think and ponder and understand the whims of the universe. I can't wrap my head around physics and math is killing me.
I used to love math. It was beautiful. And it's still beautiful I suppose, but it's not the same. I used to be able to do algebra subconsciously. Barely thinking as I did it. It was a rhythm, a pattern repeating over and over. It became like music, my pencil scratching away the same melody in each step. A play, with acts, variables slicing away at each other and picking sides like a full-out Montague vs. Capulet war.
But it's not like that anymore. You have to think about it, you have to guess. You have to see ahead a few steps, know whats coming, and not depend on your calculator to do its job. Everything we're learning can't be performed on a calculator. It's pointless!
I'll stop rambling on about math, it's not like you really care what I think about problems I've scratched out, or the poems I've scrawled in tears in the back of my textbook. It's not like it matters to you at all that I can't factor, and will probably never be able to, even with practice. It doesn't affect you at all.
The fact of the matter is that I'm so used to things just coming to me, just instantly being able to understand them without having to put out a conscious effort. I was a machine, knowledge went in and results came out. And then I forgot, my mind making space for whatever was coming in next. I didn't have to think much at all, it was simple, I barely remember learning it. Just things that have been assimilated into my brain, it's just the way things are. I never questioned.
And now it's like someone or something has opened my eyes, and I'm seeing life in a million dimensions. Like someone took my hand and showed me an infinite truth that broke my mind. Now I'm seeing in the big picture, having a love for life and feeling, and having a purpose and a meaning... And realizing that as long as I'm trapped under numbers and letters and words that aren't my own I'll never see the reality. I had been living a lie.
It feels like someone turned me around and threw me into a giant pool of my creativity, showing me the beauty all around me I had been capturing subconsciously while I ran blindly through life. The moments I'd been capturing with my camera, the words that had been vainly rolling off my fingers as I typed out poetry and stories and articles. It's a giant reflection of everything that moved me or made me angry or made me feel.
Now I'm seeing it as a giant big picture, everything all at once, all together, everything I had been doing and making and writing and creating in the past few years. And all I can say to myself is Oh my God. For the first fifteen years of my life, my subconscious has been screaming. I've been torturing it, hiding it, forcing it away into the back of my mind as I strived to succeed in the world they fed me. And now it is free. Free from the world.
But as I said the other day, I'm done with the world, but the world can never go away. It's always there, it always is, it's the infinite constant, the infinite truth and it's driving me INSANE!
It's then that I have to stop and remind myself of this. The truly sane are the socially insane because the world has broken them. And Insanity caN Shake Anyone iNto seeIng True beautY.
I'm scared, and I'm alone, and I don't understand. A world that used to come so easily to me is gone, ripped out from under my nose like I've been awaken out of the Matrix. And now I don't understand anything. I don't know how to deal with that. I've never had to before. I have no "school survival skills" because I've never needed any.
Lately it's been depressed weekends, and stressful weekdays. I need to find something new to believe in again, and fast. Because what little hope is there is fading, snuffed out under the weight of reality.
The world looks different when you can see it. And when your radical, it's not a pretty place to be.
I used to love math. It was beautiful. And it's still beautiful I suppose, but it's not the same. I used to be able to do algebra subconsciously. Barely thinking as I did it. It was a rhythm, a pattern repeating over and over. It became like music, my pencil scratching away the same melody in each step. A play, with acts, variables slicing away at each other and picking sides like a full-out Montague vs. Capulet war.
But it's not like that anymore. You have to think about it, you have to guess. You have to see ahead a few steps, know whats coming, and not depend on your calculator to do its job. Everything we're learning can't be performed on a calculator. It's pointless!
I'll stop rambling on about math, it's not like you really care what I think about problems I've scratched out, or the poems I've scrawled in tears in the back of my textbook. It's not like it matters to you at all that I can't factor, and will probably never be able to, even with practice. It doesn't affect you at all.
The fact of the matter is that I'm so used to things just coming to me, just instantly being able to understand them without having to put out a conscious effort. I was a machine, knowledge went in and results came out. And then I forgot, my mind making space for whatever was coming in next. I didn't have to think much at all, it was simple, I barely remember learning it. Just things that have been assimilated into my brain, it's just the way things are. I never questioned.
And now it's like someone or something has opened my eyes, and I'm seeing life in a million dimensions. Like someone took my hand and showed me an infinite truth that broke my mind. Now I'm seeing in the big picture, having a love for life and feeling, and having a purpose and a meaning... And realizing that as long as I'm trapped under numbers and letters and words that aren't my own I'll never see the reality. I had been living a lie.
It feels like someone turned me around and threw me into a giant pool of my creativity, showing me the beauty all around me I had been capturing subconsciously while I ran blindly through life. The moments I'd been capturing with my camera, the words that had been vainly rolling off my fingers as I typed out poetry and stories and articles. It's a giant reflection of everything that moved me or made me angry or made me feel.
Now I'm seeing it as a giant big picture, everything all at once, all together, everything I had been doing and making and writing and creating in the past few years. And all I can say to myself is Oh my God. For the first fifteen years of my life, my subconscious has been screaming. I've been torturing it, hiding it, forcing it away into the back of my mind as I strived to succeed in the world they fed me. And now it is free. Free from the world.
But as I said the other day, I'm done with the world, but the world can never go away. It's always there, it always is, it's the infinite constant, the infinite truth and it's driving me INSANE!
It's then that I have to stop and remind myself of this. The truly sane are the socially insane because the world has broken them. And Insanity caN Shake Anyone iNto seeIng True beautY.
I'm scared, and I'm alone, and I don't understand. A world that used to come so easily to me is gone, ripped out from under my nose like I've been awaken out of the Matrix. And now I don't understand anything. I don't know how to deal with that. I've never had to before. I have no "school survival skills" because I've never needed any.
Lately it's been depressed weekends, and stressful weekdays. I need to find something new to believe in again, and fast. Because what little hope is there is fading, snuffed out under the weight of reality.
The world looks different when you can see it. And when your radical, it's not a pretty place to be.
May 5, 2010
May 4, 2010
Not much...
Hmm... so what today, so what today...
Well today was crazy, or rather, this morning was crazy. I came in through the door with one task, and ended up with seven before I left school. Mrs. Sorochan pinning jobs on me for artsFEST since some people are incapable of completing their tasks. Fixing announcements, finding Mr. H, finding G-unit. No Mrs. Clarke this morning. Finding five seconds to talk to Mrs. Fernandez, only to find out she STILL hasn't talked about what we needed her to. It was insane! And all this would have been someone else's job if they just did their jobs. But no one is reliable now-a-days.
But I'm happy now, I'm free of all that and enjoying my night. It's 9-ish and I've already got the SAC agenda up, and just have Math homework and calling Jenn left to do yet. I might get to Doctor Who even before bed!
If it improves my mood any, I got Grooveshark to work again, but it refuses to work on i-net explorer. It works on Google Chrome now. Not that I'm objectionable to this. ^^
So this is just a lot of rambling about stuff you don't really care about and mum wants her laptop back. So Tuesday is gonna have to be cut short. To make up for this, here's and awesome song link (link) and an awesome picture link (link).
Read on, Write on ladies and gentlemen.
Sweet Dreams! May Itex never find you, Nightmare spare your soul, and Ford Prefect never get a hold of your credit cards. :)
Amanda out.
May 3, 2010
A Life in Books
So what is pissing me off in this current moment is that Adobe kept badgering me to install the latest updates, and today I agreed. Now, when I go to Grooveshark, it tells me it can't run until I install the latest flash player. I just uploaded the latest updates. And Grooveshark ran perfectly fine before. FAIL. Also, the computer is crawling now. Let this be a lesson to all, DO NOT INSTALL THE LATEST UPDATES!!!
Anyways, now that I've found a playlist of somewhat decent music on Youtube to calm me, I think I can refocus my efforts on this. And what I was actually going to talk about.
So I finished Lord Sunday this weekend, and gosh, such a sad ending. But my fetish for the evil types has blossomed again as I found myself beginning to like Lord Sunday (one of many antagonists) over Arthur (protagonist). And although Garth Nix did a pretty good job tying up all the lose ends, and I probably should have seen this ending coming, I still feel like it didn't do justice to this amazing series.
I now found myself trying to mope through Sunday (the actual day of the week) with the heavy feeling that comes with the completion of a series. You feel heavy and sad that it's over, but there's also that tingling undermined spark of self-confidence in the fact that you did read them all, every single one of them. And that makes you proud. But you always feel a little emptier inside when you finish novels.
I think Cornelia Funke put it best in Inkheart when she said "Books are like flypaper... memories cling to the printed page better than anything else." And it's so true. Every time you read a good novel, you put a little of yourself into it for safe keeping. It holds the memories of the time that you read it, like a snapshot of your life. It's been dragged through the day, lugged from place to place, switched from bag to bag, swapped, traded, loved, shared, fought over, and usually at some point in the climax, been thrown at a good solid wall. It's beat up and tattered. It has dates and names and places scrawled hastily into the flyleafs. You remember the book that you took on your trip to Italy, or the one that's been to New York and back. You remember the one you lost, panicked, and then found buried in your bookshelf. You forget the ones you read too quickly, or forgot to take with you (they're usually not the best ones). You cherish the ones that got you through rough times, the ones you escaped to, and the ones you read over and over again as a child.
Books are constant landmarks in a readers life. I remember reading Red is Best when I was going into Kindergarden. It's one of the few things I do remember from this time.
I remember being fascinated with the tales of Robert Munsch, and Mercer Mayer, and Ronald Dahl. I faithfully read Dr. Seuss to the class and read Wallop and Wiz and the Bottle of Fiz and Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day every night. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone got me through Grade Three Testing, was my first true novel and is also the first book I was afraid of finishing. My mother had to read it to me.
The first few books of Jenny Nimmo's Children of the Red King series got me through terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad Grade Six where I clung to books and whatever friends I had to survive. My grade six book project was on Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident (Eoin Colfer), the first time I started a series in the wrong order, not that I regret it.
My grade eight book project was Sir Thursday (Garth Nix), which I read about four times through, and I never made the mistake of picking a book in the middle of a series for a book report ever again.
Grade nine was Twilight (Stephenie Meyer), Grade ten was Airborn (Kenneth Oppel). Grade Eleven sadly contains no book reports, but I read some amazing classics, like Frankenstein, Beowulf, and Interview with a Vampire, even if I din't enjoy them all.
I can map out the whole first seventeen years of my life in books. Isn't that amazing? If only you could create a list of all the places they've been too!
But enough about books. For my birthday with my family this weekend, my parents got me a brand new tripod that's actually my height, lightweight, and can go inches off ground for macro photography. It thrilled me and spurred me to complete a project I've been meaning to do for a while. I covered one whole wall of my room in prints. And let me tell you, it looks epic! It's all my favourite prints too. I can't wait to take more to cover the larger wall. :)
So hear I am, less than a week after my seventeenth birthday, surrounded by my passions, photography, reading, writing, and creating, and I'm think I might be starting to convince myself that despite what everyone says I really do want to go into some kind of English-Photography combo for Post Secondary. Though if I want to get anywhere in life, it's gonna have to be a university English degree, not a Sheradon collage photography major. Which I want to avoid thinking about right now because it means more work for me. Ugh.
Anyways, that's enough for tonight and the computer is really starting to piss me off.
Read on, write on ladies and gentlemen.
Sweet Dreams! May Itex never find you, Nightmare spare your soul, and Ford Prefect never get a hold of your credit cards. :)
Amanda Out.
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