INSANITY

So what have I done today... Well effectively nothing. I mean I did stuff, I lived and breathed and created and thought and discovered and felt, but I did nothing constructive. I have a two page list of things I had to do today and I did about 4. I watched Doctor Who with my mother, half finished the strap for my new tripod (which I'm making out of duct tape by the way), took out the recycling, and entered contests on Polyvore. None of which is in any way constructive at all. I didn't look at my math or my physics, both of which require EXTRA review because my brain has just been so freaking thick lately. All I want to do is sit and read and write and think and ponder and understand the whims of the universe. I can't wrap my head around physics and math is killing me.

I used to love math. It was beautiful. And it's still beautiful I suppose, but it's not the same. I used to be able to do algebra subconsciously. Barely thinking as I did it. It was a rhythm, a pattern repeating over and over. It became like music, my pencil scratching away the same melody in each step. A play, with acts, variables slicing away at each other and picking sides like a full-out Montague vs. Capulet war.

But it's not like that anymore. You have to think about it, you have to guess. You have to see ahead a few steps, know whats coming, and not depend on your calculator to do its job. Everything we're learning can't be performed on a calculator. It's pointless!

I'll stop rambling on about math, it's not like you really care what I think about problems I've scratched out, or the poems I've scrawled in tears in the back of my textbook. It's not like it matters to you at all that I can't factor, and will probably never be able to, even with practice. It doesn't affect you at all.

The fact of the matter is that I'm so used to things just coming to me, just instantly being able to understand them without having to put out a conscious effort. I was a machine, knowledge went in and results came out. And then I forgot, my mind making space for whatever was coming in next. I didn't have to think much at all, it was simple, I barely remember learning it. Just things that have been assimilated into my brain, it's just the way things are. I never questioned.

And now it's like someone or something has opened my eyes, and I'm seeing life in a million dimensions. Like someone took my hand and showed me an infinite truth that broke my mind. Now I'm seeing in the big picture, having a love for life and feeling, and having a purpose and a meaning... And realizing that as long as I'm trapped under numbers and letters and words that aren't my own I'll never see the reality. I had been living a lie.

It feels like someone turned me around and threw me into a giant pool of my creativity, showing me the beauty all around me I had been capturing subconsciously while I ran blindly through life. The moments I'd been capturing with my camera, the words that had been vainly rolling off my fingers as I typed out poetry and stories and articles. It's a giant reflection of everything that moved me or made me angry or made me feel.

Now I'm seeing it as a giant big picture, everything all at once, all together, everything I had been doing and making and writing and creating in the past few years. And all I can say to myself is Oh my God. For the first fifteen years of my life, my subconscious has been screaming. I've been torturing it, hiding it, forcing it away into the back of my mind as I strived to succeed in the world they fed me. And now it is free. Free from the world.

But as I said the other day, I'm done with the world, but the world can never go away. It's always there, it always is, it's the infinite constant, the infinite truth and it's driving me INSANE!

It's then that I have to stop and remind myself of this. The truly sane are the socially insane because the world has broken them. And Insanity caN Shake Anyone iNto seeIng True beautY.

I'm scared, and I'm alone, and I don't understand. A world that used to come so easily to me is gone, ripped out from under my nose like I've been awaken out of the Matrix. And now I don't understand anything. I don't know how to deal with that. I've never had to before. I have no "school survival skills" because I've never needed any.

Lately it's been depressed weekends, and stressful weekdays. I need to find something new to believe in again, and fast. Because what little hope is there is fading, snuffed out under the weight of reality.

The world looks different when you can see it. And when your radical, it's not a pretty place to be.