Welcome to my life.

My name is Amanda. And I'm Seventeen.

One of the sad facts of my life is that on the actual day of my birth I could not even take five minutes to post something because I had so much freaking homework. In fact I didn't even sit down and do something for me until 9:30 pm. I got up at 6 am and had a meeting at 7:30. Now, yes, if I wasn't such a procrastinator, I would have had less homework. But of course, being me, I left pretty much my entire Physics assignment to last night and I had a Math test today too I was studying for.

So I'm posting today. When I have no homework. I really should be doing extra studying, but if I have 5 hours of homework on my birthday, I think I deserve one day off. Please?

Anyways, I am seventeen now. Every time I tell myself this though it scares me. It's such a scary word. It's too big. There's WAY too much responsibility attached to it. Stuff I don't want yet. Plus it keeps reminding me of that movie that Zac Efron (or whatever his name is) is in and then I shudder horrifically.

Might I take the next fifty pages to explain how Disney is corrupting the minds of our youth? And how all the OTHER corrupting stuff they blame it on is a lie? I might not. I won't. You can imagine my frustration however.

So I'm seventeen, I don't understand factoring, I need to do extra physics homework, and all of the above scares me.

Frankly, I'm afraid of the future. I don't want any of it. I do not under any circumstance want to think that far ahead. My body like actually repels it. So sitting through parent teacher interviews tonight, and all my teachers are asking me what my Post-Secondary education plans are? What do I want to be? I have no freaking idea. Well, that's not entirely true. I know what I would like to do, but what I'd like to do doesn't actually exist as a job anymore, or isn't at all. Either that or everyone else doesn't like what I decide. The "intellects" (math and science and guidance) look at my marks and my ability to rearrange algebra and tell me I should be reaching higher. I should be going to university. Becoming a doctor or an engineer. Saving the world. Which I don't really want to put up the effort to do. I'd rather enjoy the world while it lasts than "save" it. And then the arts look at my creative ability and tell me I should be going to Sheraton collage to do Photography/English/Media. It's a big industry. Lots of money. But my family either doesn't agree with it, or there's no jobs in it.

I would love to travel the world. Capture all of it with my camera. Write about the world, and the way it sways and flows. The way my voice echoes at the top of Everest to the way Stingrays slink under the sand at the bottom of the sea.

What no one remembers anymore is that knowledge does NOT come from a textbook, although nowadays it looks like it does. The guys who found out the stuff in that textbook only found it out because the world taught them that things fall, and the wind blows, and wood burns. Knowledge comes from the world around you, from something as simple as a shiny red apple.

It's an apple. It's the fruit that Eve picked from the tree of Knowledge, the source of all knowledge, the meaning of life. The apple is red, the colour of love and passion, as well as anger and rage. The meaning of life, love is not without anger, passion is not without rage. But these are the forces that drive the roller coaster of life, the ups and downs. And though it might look shiny on the outside, everything always has a rougher interior than you imagine. The apple is sweet, but with a slightly sour twinge. Life is the same way. It is amazing, but you cannot have sweet without sour. There will always be negatives. Apples make a crunching sound when you bite into them, like bones breaking. You're killing it when you eat it. You are killing yourself if you do not live your life to the fullest.

And that just from an apple. The world provides us with everything we need to know, so why aren't we studying it?

Instead we stay locked up inside all day, "protected" from the world around us, studying what others have learned from the whisper on the wind. But the melody is different to every ear.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I look at the world, that's what I see. I see in vivid colour, composition and line. It has structure and balance. It has truths we haven't unfolded. It has mysteries that we just have to believe, for it will never reveal them. Everything's about how it makes me feel. I live in the moment. So I don't want the future. I don't want to have to think about that.

I want to be a child forever. The world is such a beautiful place when you don't have to worry. That's all we do now is worry. With ages and birthdays comes sitting down and deciding where your going to position yourself in the world again. And when you don't fit anywhere practical, when you slowly become sure that you're radical, the world becomes a difficult place to hide in. You stand out forever. You're alone forever. And you're never remembered forever.

Read on, write on, ladies and gentlemen.
Amanda Out.